Santa, is that you?

Most mornings are typical around here.  Sleeping till the last minute.  Hunting for clean socks like the Holy Grail.  Busting out of the house in a whirlwind leaving behind a scene from Twister.

Yes, that's what this family thrives off of.  Chaos.

However, as much as we like chaos, we LOVE to throw in some unpredictable dramatic moments that involve dangerously wild rabid critters.

I was minding my own business checking Perez Hilton the news and the weather when the girls jump into our bedroom with an announcement.

"THERE'S A SQUIRREL IN THE FIREPLACE!  FOR REAL!  IT'S TRUE!  THERE IS!  THERE IS!"

I immediately thought to myself how this was really going to put a cramp in our already cramped morning.  I was certain Levi would bail on me and say "good luck with that" and that I'd have to spend the day just waiting for it to break out of the fireplace and eat me.

So, naturally I took matters into my own hands.

The girls were sitting at the table covered in the white confection that is powdered sugar from their powdered donuts lightly sweetened steel cut oats just waiting in anticipation to see how we were going to settle this squirrel issue. 

I did a little Google search and it suggested turning the lights out, opening an exit door, opening the fireplace and waiting for the little rat to find it's way out.  Great.  I turned the lights out...no problem.  I opened the back door....totally easy.  Then, I opened the glass doors on the fireplace and ran like a chicken to the kitchen jumping on one of the chairs.  The girls followed suit and so there we all stood.  In chairs.  Waiting in a powdered sugar haze for the vicious varmint to come out hissing and flailing pushing us to the brink of death, but then making a sharp turn to the right and into the back yard to join the rest of the wildlife where all good wild life should be. 

Seeing as how we slept a little too late and it took quite a while to find the clean socks we really didn't have a lot of time to wait for the exciting climactic ending the girls were so hoping for.  We got down and slowly approached the fireplace.  Tip toeing and giggling being vewy vewy quiet.

"Mia, go shut the fireplace."

"What?  Why me?  No, way.  You do it."

"I thought you wanted to be a veterinarian?  So, you do it.   Animal lover."

"Well, what about protecting your own daughter?"

"Well what about following your dreams?"

Noticing a swimming chance to gain big girl props in the family Jules piped in..."You want me to do it mommy?"

I of course said, "Absolutely!"

But, noticing a very good chance at being out braved by her littler sister Mia ran up to the fireplace and slammed it shut.  Jules was not upset about this which leads me to believe she may or may not have followed through with her super thoughtful gesture.

We finished getting ready for school and despite Mia's wishes to be late and watch how it all played out they went to school and made it before the tardy bell.  Jules would be more dangerous than any rabid squirrel if we made her late for school.  Trust me.

When Levi got back from taking them he had obviously been concocting a plan on the way.  Rope down the chimney for it to climb out on?  Ahh, good thought.  But, no.  I don't need rabies and an invalid husband who fell off the roof.  That would be terrible.  So the hunt for  a respectable sized box began.

With box in hand, he began his approach with no protection whatsoever.  This was discovered only after he had supposedly captured it pinning it in the box against the back of the fireplace.  Super.  Now what?  If he lets go of the box the squirrel will gnaw his face off.   It's possible that it will gnaw right through the box and gnaw his unprotected hands off.  It was at this point, this critacle point in which my loving husband was so vulnerable and helpless, that I began to expalin to him how gloves would have made all the difference.  While videoing, of course.  I also told him he was going to get rabies.

We exchanged a few words and he began to jostle the box around or maybe it was the squirrel freaking the heck out but either way it was that feeling you get before something terrible is going to happen.  You hope it doesn't happen but it's very possible that it will.

I may have mentioned that I would kill it if it came near me.  Now I'm thinking I would have died from a heart attack instead.   But my point was...no mercy. 

And then...

THEN...

It catapulted itself out of the fireplace, across the living room floor, and into the office.  I screamed bloody murder.  Penny took off after it.  Then I screamed at Penny b/c she's dumb and would probably just get injured instead of help in any way.  She is also submissive enough to throw all her doggy intuition to the wind and obey her master.  What a sissy.  This leads me to believe that she may or may not have followed through with her very impressive dash across the living room floor in an attempt at hunting the rogue rodent down.

I gained my composure and began videoing again.  Levi was growing fond of the little guy with every passing second.  I was not.  Get it out.  Get it out now.  I was growing ever more uncomfortable with the situation with every passing second.

As an aside, I had a dream about two weeks ago that I was lying on the couch when suddenly a squirrel appears and is running around the living room, getting ready to descend on me ninja style when it morphed into a rat and ran into the kids room.  I, however, couldn't move rendering me unable to save my poor dear children.  Do you see how this made the situation a little more frightening? 

I stood at the entry way with the closet door open to block it from re-entering the living room and shielded the gap that was left with my body.  So sacrificial.  I hope you see it that way, anyway.  


Levi was herding it like a cow dog whispering sweet nothings to it trying to get it out of the office and out the door when finally it shot out, slid across the entry tile then scampered out the door.

And that is how it all went down.

To prove that I'm not a big liar I've included the videos.  Sometimes I think people think I make this stuff up.  I don't.